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Title of Story
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The Inoculation of Ideas. Prof. Paff's First Peace Experiment
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Story Summary
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Paff is accumulating the electric energy of positive human behaviour at musical and other events in specially made batteries. Paff tests this on the population to great success promising to release the electric energy of enthusiasm as the Prime Minister tours the country to sell his great scheme of country-wide irrigation.
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Attributed Author
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J. B. C.
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Single or Serialised
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Single
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Year For Sorting
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1908
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Date Range
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1908-03-12-1908-03-12
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Links in To Be Continued
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NA
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Newspaper Name Location Years
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Punch (Melb, VIC)
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OCR from TBC and Trove
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THE INOCULATION OF IDEAS.Pro!. Paff's First Peace Experiment.By J. R. C.The Prime Minister and Professor Faff were sitting comfortably in the -Ministerial sanctum of the Department for External Affairs. "Sir," remarked the > Professor, tl l am curious to know what you esteem as the most important enthusiasm with which you desire to inspire the people of Australia ?" "Irrigation !" exclaimed the Prime Minister, a litrht almost of fanaticism firing his eyes. "I would like to see this little continent as rich with a reticulation of water as the human body is with the circulation of blood." "Sir, your imaeery is good—within limits ; hut, of course, you know the difficulties ?" "Ah !" sighed the politician, "I have grappled with them until 1 am well-nigh heartbroken. It seems imnossible to awaken the people to a realisation of it." "Sir," said the Professor, quietly sipping his squash, "it is just there where perhaps I may l:e able to help you." "But how, Professor, how ?" "Well. sir. I won't promise definitely, but perhaps I may be able to supply exactly what is wanted." "If you only could ! I trust you, Professor, and, of course, von have a fr?e hand. I soe,' : ani the Prime Minister lauo-lied, "the effect ot tlie Silver Ball and especially of the Blue Bolt Ins been to fill our enemies with the belief that Australia is the habitation of the devil himself. If vou succeed in this proposition vou will make; it 'the Abode of the Blest." * • • • One mornine a few weeks after this aerceable conversation the. Prime Minister gradually became alive to the fact that his usually peaceful home was unrestful. A piano was beinT energetically phyci in one room, a violin in another. the gardener was hoisterouslv whistling now and again a housemaid could be hearf t rillintr a popular air, the canary was excelling bis usual performances, his wife, usually very r:iiiet, burst into fitful song, and he even found himself humming something of which the refrain was— "I was dreaming, I was dreaming, There was music in the air." I'nder these conditions serious work was imr pof-sible, so be betook himself to his office. Me usually walked through the Botanical Gardens, and thence by the river hank to town, and this sunny morning he was vividly impressed by the joyousness of the atmosphere. He had never before observed the thrushes, ' blackbirds, and other birds so tuneful and so continuous in their melodies. The school children whom he met also seemed particularly happy, and sang away to their heart's content, while every occasional man or woman he met was merrily whistling or humming a favourite tune. He was caught up by the electric sympathy of the prevailing s'lirit, and while he gave a curious rendering of the song about dreaming that there was music in the air, he was thoroughly convinced that the fact was altogether too solid to be but a dream. .Meanwhile, the experiences of other equally sedate citizens had ' been similar to bis own.Nor was this all. Very old ladies, even, were to be encountered pursing up their lips in" an attempt to give vent by hum or whistle to some long-forgotten lay. Even the dogs seemed to be wagging their tails as if they were conducting an orchestra, and the whole air was filled with a sibilance • and murmuring of sound like the hissing of a million snakes, comjbined with the buzzing of a billion bees. When later on his Treasurer greeted him with a raucously rendered "Good-morrow, Good-morrow," from "Patience," it commenced to dawn upon him that this unanimous musical phenomenon had something more in it than mere coincidence, As the day wore on the musical mania which had unmistakably taken possession of Melbourne became more pronounced than ever. It seemed as if all the brass bands in the place had simultaneously decided to go on parade. Serenaders went from house to house, and the streets became crowded with newly-awakened votaries of Orpheus and Terpsichore," so that all business was practically suspended, and the city was given over to a musical revel and festival, just as on Mafeking Day it had gone wild with an hysteria of patriotism. The Prime Minister was sitting in a room, unconsciously humming a ditty, and pondering over the situation, when an attendant danced throughthe door and in a sort of Italian opera recitative announced— "Professor Paff !" Upon that the Prime Minister immediately realised the position and broke into hearty laughter, which he suddenly discovered ta. was render-, ing with the "Ha, ha, ha, ha ! Ho, ho, ho, ho !" of Mephistopheles' laughing song in "Faust." That was the explanation of it all. It was Professor Paff's experiment ! By the irony of relentless logic the Professor jiimself had not escaped his own inoculation of infection, and he came in blithely carolling— "My name is John Wellington Wells, I'm a dealer in magic and spells !"— from "The Sorcerer." "You are a sorcerer indeed," exclaimed the Prime Minister, cordially greeting him, "but, my dear Professor," he added, anxiously, "surely this sort of thing won't go on forewr. Can't you stop it ?v "Oh, dear no, sir," lai^hed the Professor, "it won't go on forever. I'ie only got a day's supply of germs—" "Of what ?" cried the Prime Minister. "Germs, sir, germs ; just enough for an experiment. As you know, I air. a great believer m electricity, and have long h:'ld a theory that, the enthusiasm with which wc are so familiar in crowds, at theatres, concerts, political meetings, and every other centre of excitement, is nothing else but a phase of electricity." "Yes, yes," norrrted the Prime Minister, ''hut how on earth could yon send the whole city of Melbourne musically mad ?" "Simnly, sir," explained the Professor ; "by accumulating and electrifreezing musical enthusiasm." "Klectrifrcezing !" "Precisely. Storing it in batteries so that it would not diffuse and escape forever. For the past month T have been secretly attendine with my specially constructed apparatus all the operas,, concerts, orchestral performances and other popular musical entertainments. Every outburst of applause was absorbed by the accumulator as well as that rich element of excitement and enthusiasm which every enjoyable or intense demonstration generates. Now, this morning early T impregnated the air with my accumulated musical enthusiasm—that is all." "But I don't see the practical purpose of it. For, you'll pardon me for sayinir so, this musical irruption is simply Redlam let loose," and the Prime Minister became as serious as any man could be who had "Hi tiddly hi ti" jigginic in his brain. "Ah, sir," said the Professor, irravelv. "I see vou have forgotten our conversation in this very room on your net nroject of irritation !" The Prime Minister sprang to bis feet, his face beaming with delighted intelligence and revelation, and grasped the Professor's bands. "Of course, m/ dear Professor, of course. Now T see ; and vou plan is—" "Wb.v. sir, sirrmlv this. You will tour Australia on one of your marvellous oratorical campaigns, arousing that red-hot enthusiasm for irrigation, the short life of which has hitherto made vou so despondent. T will accompanv vou, accumulate the enthusiasm, and undertake to keep it alive until your cigantic scheme is finally achieved." "Professor. Professor, how can I ever thank you for the gift to the nation of your Jovian genius ?" "Well, sir," renlied the Professor, with a smile. "T am thirsty, and, as a commencement, T would siifrcrest that, we mi<dit irrigate." The Prime Minister Inmihed. touched a bell, and an attendant briskly danced in with a counle of iced squashes, and went out cheerfully liltinp— "Pour out the Rhine wine—let it flow !
